Oh My God, Lenovo Killed Good Business Practices; You Bastards!

Prologue: I Have A Dream...


Let me start by saying that this is my story while trying to buy a laptop. Saying I am displeased with this experience is like saying WWII was nothing more than a verbal argument. Usually in the blAg-o-sphere people & company names are hidden for fear of legal action, like we've seen before.


But not this time, oh no. If Lenovo sees this and decides to "take action," they can go fuck themselves because they do not stand a chance, as you will see. So, it is my intent to use their name along with negative commentary and profanity as much as legibly possible.


Chapter 1: Conceptualization


It's early July 2007. It's a beautiful summer in Stratford and I've been keeping myself busy digging in our own Lake Victoria with my girl, Tinglez. I've also made some major purchases this term too: an Xbox 360 & a 24" Dell LCD. I can't help but toy with the idea of spending more money. I finally convince myself that I am going to buy a laptop for school, and begin looking.


My most desirable choice comes from work. They have a purchase program, and I decide to take advantage of it. The deal is an old Lenovo ThinkPad T60. When I say old, I mean Intel Core Duo T2400. It's not bad though, considering it comes with a dock & leather bag and was around $950, compared at $1800-ish retail at the time.


Once I straighten out my finances (which you should know, my dear reader, that totally backfired) I place an order with Rick from Lenovo in I believe the first week of August. He tells me shipping should be 4-6 weeks. I am a little unhappy about this as that cuts into froshweek, but decide to live with it.


Now I wait.


Chapter 2: But I Don't Wanna Be A Pirate


Over the weeks I grow more and more irritating as become increasingly excited for my new awesome mobile machine.


On the second week, I receive the spare battery I ordered. On the fourth week, nothing. The fifth week, null.


The sixth week, I begin to worry. I'm already moved back to Waterloo for school and classes start in less than a week. Early into the sixth week, I call Rick for get a status on my order. The sixth week is still not up and therefore my laptop is still not technically late, but I would just like to know where about it is and when I will see it.


(Please note this is not the actual conversation, but delivers the jist of my rage.)

*Ring*

"Hello?"

"Hi, this is Wolfgang; I just want to check the status of my order. Order #: xxxxxxxxxx"

"Okay, just a minute please."

*I wait*

"It appears that your laptop isn't being built."

Okay, I'm going to stop there for a second. FUCK YOU, RICK! GO DIE LENOVO! WHAT A PIECE OF OILY SHIT CUSTOMER SERVICE!


*Ahem*


So, after anxiously waiting close to six god-damn weeks for a laptop, he decided that now, of all times, is the best to inform me that my order has been more or less cancelled WITHOUT notification. Is there anyone out there that thinks that this make the slightest fraction of sense for any large, multi-million dollar corporations’' customer service? Is this standard procedure? Do you have ANY business education at all? (Not saying I do, but holy fuck Batman, get real.)


Now, despite this Lenovo's sales associates' total ignorance of the world around him, I remain calm of the phone. I begin asking him what kind of substitution can be done and for the next week or two, we shoot email back and fourth to try to find a solution.


Unfortunately, the best ol' Ricky can do is offer me an R60 (T60 > R60 = Shit)


Wow! Thanks Lenovo! You're so awesome; you let me buy notebooks at retail price!


I politely tell Rick to go die and look for a T60 on eBay. After being not too successful and by that I mean not at all, I tell Rick I want to return my now very useless battery. He sets up a return and it’s early to mid October before I get my money back.


Chapter 3: A Beacon of Hope? Nah.


At this point, I don't have the time (or money) to buy a laptop. This really sucks because when I'm on campus, I've started to notice all the time a laptop would be really handy to have. So I put off the purchase until after exams.


It's now mid December and I find a semi-sweet deal. This is nothing in comparison to my original order, but it'll do. It's a T61 with 35% (just over $620) savings. The order is placed; website says 1-2 weeks shipping, I feel good.


*Kicked to the groin!*


In January, I call the 1-866 number to track my order several times. I begin to keep very close tabs on my machine to be. The first several calls I make are consistent. My computer is still in China being built. Then, I think it was the third week (late already) I am told that it is apparently in the warehouse and will be shipped out within the next 72 hours.


"Huzza!" he exclaims, not knowing how truly retarded Lenovo is.


I decide to call the next day just so I know exactly what is going on with it. I get a different guy than yesterday. I give him my order number and ask to get the status of it.

"Oh," he says. "It appears that there is a delay at customs."

"Huh. The guy told me yesterday that it was in the warehouse & would ship out within 72 hours."

"I don't know where he would have gotten that information. The system says it’s stuck at customs."

How the hell does that happen? I mean really! How the fuck is Lenovo so god-damned stupid? How can a computer company have faulty software for tracking their product? It's like a butcher not knowing what a cow looks like. The Lenovo Katamari of Retardation continues to grow at an alarming rate.


My computer stays stuck at customs for a week or so, making this the fourth week (LATE! Fuckers.). After sever more tracking calls (one of which I waited on hold for 72ish minutes before they closed), I am told once again that it is in the warehouse.


To my surprise, when I go home, there it is, waiting for me. Now, as happy as this makes me, it still bugs me to the depths of my soul that he didn't know it had been shipped out.


Chapter 4: If You Want Something Done Right, Don't Go To Lenovo


I let myself believe that I am finally happy. What a fool I was.


As I spend the night poking around in Vista and tweaking my power settings, I realize something. This isn't the right computer. It contains only half of my required RAM and what my memory serves as the wrong chipset. You know when you are throwing up/dry heaving and you stop? It feels like you are done and it’s a good feeling? But then out of nowhere it comes back, more painful than before? That’s how I feel. The calm before the storm. Things seem all well and good until you open your eyes.


I call up my friends at Lenovo and hope for the best. I get transferred a couple times before being sent to technical support. A man who speaks poor English (Just great. Your job is to talk people through their problems and I can hardly understand you.) asks for the model & serial numbers off of the bottom of my computer. I slowly give them to him, upon which he tells me they are invalid.


"No they aren't, I'm staring right at it." I think to myself.


He sends me back to some other bloke, whom I as to be transferred to a manager. Enter Jim. After Jim and I exchange a couple emails and I hunt him down via the tele, we agree upon that I order a new notebook (which is the same minus the widescreen) with a 20% to make up for the coupon I had, and an extra years warranty ("Value:" about $130). He quotes me 2-3 weeks shipping and the order is placed on the first week of February.


Part ways into the 2-3 weeks, I call the order tracking hotline and I am told it is schedule to leave China on March 5th. GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKERS! Is anything you say believable?!?! Now you are planning it to be late. It’s not just late, but you plan its production so it’s late. Oh my god! You make me want to run my head into a wall!


*Wolfgang hyperventilates & passes out*


So, to clarify, at this point in time, it is not late, but scheduled to be late. With added fuel in my fire I send an email to my buddy Jim telling him that if I don't have my laptop by April 1st, that I would be cancelling my order, filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau of Canada, and boycott Lenovo. That email was sent February 21st.


March 5th passes, and I call to track again. It has now been delayed to ship out of China, best guess, mid March. Still having not heard from Jim, I email him again (March 10th), asking that if he was still conscience of my ongoing issue, to please respond to this email. Not a fucking byte of data has entered my inbox from Jimmy.


Chapter 5: This Will Be A Deadly Year For Radish


Up until this point, I have been polite and understanding on the phone. However, this is changing. With each passing minute I am not having my issue resolved; I get angrier and will be much shorter with "customer service reps" on the phone. I have no respect for them, but I still remain decent until given a direct reason not too.


I call asking to speak with Jim’s supervisor.


*Please note this conversation' for later*

"Jim's supervisor is in a meeting right now. It should be done within the next 5 minutes. I (Chris, I believe) will get her to call you as soon as the meeting lets out."

"Okay."

*About 7 minutes later.*

*Ring*

"Hello?"

"Hi, this is Chris from Lenovo. Unfortunately Michelle has left. I will get her to call you as soon as she gets in tomorrow."

*Sigh*

"Okay."

Its now the next day (Thursday), at 12:30PM. Still no contact. I call them, ask to speak to Michelle. They tell me she isn't at her desk, but she will be in contact with me shortly. At about 1:30PM, Michelle calls. I tell her my war stories thus far. Judging by the tone in her voice, she actually seems to care. She says her first objective is to get me my (or a laptop) and her second is to compensate me.


Michelle then gives me a call shortly with some pre-configured notebooks they have in stock they can send me. They are all X series (ThinkPad’s ultraportable series; smaller and about $200). The free upgrade is the least they can do she says, then realizing that the X series doesn't have an optical drive, tells me how foolish she feels & will contact me back.


It is crucial that she gets back to me because she is apparently leaving the country until the following Wednesday. I left work at about 4:40 that day, several minutes too soon to hear back from her.


Friday, another girl by the name of Denise (same position as Jim) contacts me with 3 X60/61 laptops (on behalf of Michelle) that have a docking base, aka. An optical drive. I am unable to get back to her on Friday because the day was spent moving office equipment to Oakville.


On the weekend, I make up my mind on one of the X61, followed by a lack of sleep Sunday night when I decide the X61 doesn't have everything I want. I spend Monday morning trying to contact Denise only having luck after lunch. Three words: Awesome Customer Service. I finally talk to the woman, telling that I don't think I want an X series due to the lack of touchpad & 40% lower screen resolution.


Remember that last conversation? I told her about this and how I thought it gave a bad impression. She then argued with me that it wasn't his fault because he wouldn't know Michelle schedule. Well I'm sorry, but if he didn't know it, then why the fuck would he say it will happen? A tech company of your size should have access to these things. And on top of that don't just fucking tell me what I want to hear. Tell me the god-dammed truth. And secondly, the first rule of business. THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT. Don't fucking argue with me over what I believe gives me a bad image of your company. Bitch.


I then proceed to unload my story onto her and begin my ultimatum. I request an X300 with 2 GB of RAM, extended battery, optical drive, leather bag, and 3 years of on-site warranty. She tells me that she will forward my request to Michelle for Wednesday.


Chapter 6: Com'on! This Is Ridiculous


Wednesday rolls around and I get into contact with Michelle in the early afternoon. After telling her what a bitch Denise was to me on the phone, she looks over my request and submits it to her manager to see if she will sign off on it, because of the large price difference. Michelle calls me at the end of the day to inform me that her manager has not had time to review it yet.


Thursday I am in Oakville for work, making it difficult for this incompetent company to contact me. Near the end of the day, I send an email and leave a voice mail for Michelle to give me some sort of update. I leave work around 3PM with hopes she will call my cell as I have instructed her to, and never hear back.


It’s now Easter Monday. I call Michelle’s' phone several times in the morning, never leaving a message. AT about 11:40AM I call the order tracking line and ask to be put into contact with her. I am now talking to Dustin (I think? I can't remember.); a person who has apparently OD'ed on something. I have never seen (or heard, in this case) someone in custom service so exhilarated to help with my order than he was.

*After a minute on the office instant messaging system.*

"Well," he tells me, "She’s currently on the phone with another customer. But you’re next in line she said. She should be calling you within 10 to 15 minutes."

Great. Things are getting done. And I want to figure things out today so I do not have to deal with this thing that makes bullshit look tasty.


*Looks at the clock, just after 1PM*


I call again and get more bullshit from the order tracking line. Finally around 2:30PM Michelle gets into work and calls me. They are having connectivity issues. Apparently this new software system they have has a lot of bugs. Is it just me, or does a computer company with faulty software seem to be on par with a grocery store with faulty refrigerators that leading to them selling bad milk? All analogies aside, go die Lenovo.


Michelle informs me that her manager can't sign off on the $1600-ish that is required for a free-of-charge X300 upgrade. Okay, that's seems reasonable. But considering the value of the laptop when I first ordered back in August was about:


$1800, laptop
$180, dock
$200ish, 3 year warranty
$100, bag


Just shy of $2300. A new X300? $2800. About $500 difference. Now, instead I have agreed to be sent an X61 at no extra cost to me; about $300 difference. Now when you really look at it that way, why couldn't these slug heads do it? Customer service my ass.


Now, I am okay with not having an X300. Although it has a lot of really awesome state-of-the-art tech gadgets, I don't really need them as this will be a note taking, email checking machine. The X61 is smaller is some ways, and I don't need GPS to take notes (although maybe for coding....*heh heh heh*), but it is the principal of it. At this point, I am not a satisfied customer.


Just as a side note, at this point (Monday, March 24th) I ask Michelle to call me tomorrow (it being the end of the day) to discuss compensation. She says she will and I ask what time.

"I don't really want to commit to a time, just in case I am unable to call you" she says.

Thank-fucking-god. Finally, some freaking honesty from this wrenched company. I am fine with her not specifying when she will call me back. I am not fine with other "customer service" representatives lying flat out to me. Thank you, Michelle. Too bad this is just common courteous though.


Chapter 7: Cheeky Bastard


Michelle and I agree on the following:


X61 model 7673-54U
X6 ultrabase (dock, also contains optical drive)
3 year warranty
Bag
A Letter of apology


All of which totals close to $2300. Michelle keeps trying to convince me that the X series is an upgrade. Financially this is true, but for me as a customer with specific needs, not completely. Two disadvantages being no touch pad and 40% lower screen resolution.


When I stop to think about what I need it for, maybe the X series is better; it’s smaller, lighter, more portable, and has a better battery life. This isn't a desktop replacement, it's only for mobile computing. I decide that the "free" "upgrade" to the X61 will do while she looks up the current status (still in China) of my previous order, and she puts in the order at about 4:30PM on Tuesday, March 25th. I am, however, not satisfied with this alone and ask for a written letter of apology.


Things seem to be falling into place now, which is good because at this point, all I want is my god-damned laptop. The best part, the X61 is in their warehouse, so I don't have to wait 8 weeks for them to fabricate it out of sticks and dirt; apparently that's how they do it & is why it is impossibly slow. Coupled with the urgency of the matter, I should have it likely by the end of the week.


While I wait on Wednesday for Michelle to call or email me with an order number (again, that's #4). I get a call from mother. She informs me that UPS has been by to drop off a package from Lenovo. This seems fishy. I know Michelle said something about same day delivery, but was 1PM or so, too damn early.


She says my ThinkPad T61 is here. I tell her not to open it & ill deal with when I get home. Within 15 minutes, I second guess myself and remember that Michelle leaves at 4PM. I call home and ask my dad to open it and tell what model it actually is: T61.


*sigh*


Lenovo you cheeky bastard, you've done it again. Starting to see my point about their computer system? Apparently they can ship laptops out of China, clear customs, process an order at their warehouse in Brampton, ship out and have it on my door in less than 24 hours. Wouldn't that be awesome if it didn't take 8 weeks to make? Clearly their order tracking system broken! Why would they start using a system that doesn't work yet? Why?! GGaaaahhh!


Just as I get settle with what we work out (I'm actually looking forward to the X61 now), Lenovo, being retarded, fucks up. But wait! Maybe, just maybe, if I play things cool, the X61 will still come and I can get both notebooks for the price of one. I doubt it, but it's worth a shot.


Chapter 8: The Floor Here Will Kill You, Try To Avoid It


So it's 3PM on Wednesday and I have yet to hear the ever so delightful yelp of Lenovo, so I call Michelle myself. After numerous attempts of calling (starting earlier in the day) I finally get a hold of Michelle. She's been in "meetings" all day and just got back to her office. She tells me that she will call me back in about 30 minutes with the order number.


Excellent. At about 5 o'clock, it's time to head home, and I do so without any word. I check my Gmail at 6, and still nothing. At this point I email her asking for the order number again. Thursday was co-op interviews in Waterloo, but my phone was forwarded to my cell. Still nothing.


When interviews are all said and done, I go back to Tingles place and email her yet again, asking for the order number. She replies with the number saying she emailed my work address yesterday.


On Friday, sure enough, there's the email. Received at 5:41PM. Pop math quiz! 3PM + 30 minutes = 5:41PM!!! My guess was that she submitted the order at 4:30PM Tuesday night, but it never got put through until after 3PM on Wednesday.


Anyway, I call order tracking on Friday and Chris tells me that it has been shipped out. UPS number? No, of course not. Sometimes they use a smaller package shipper that is based out of TO. Now, if my order was expedited like Michelle said it would be, wouldn't a larger company be able to ship it to Stratford faster? Maybe that's just me, but either way, I have no way of tracking it.


Chapter 9: We'll Be Fine


Monday rolls around and part way through the day I call home to see if it has arrived. No. So, once again, I get on the phone with Lenovo and ask where it is or if the found a tracking number for me. Instead of hearing what I want too, they tell me that UPS delivered it at 10:19 AM this morning.


He proceeds to tell me that it was signed n-u-t-t and I grow very worried among impatient. Before losing my cool I ask where it was delivered to. "xxx Ontario street," he replied. It took me a minute to realize where exactly that was (my place of business) and that the signer was in fact G. Nutt from high school, who now works in receiving.

With this new realization, I scurry down to the receiving office and ask about a package for myself. In about 3 minutes, I am back in the office unpacking my new X61 laptop. Everything seems to be here. They gave me a leather bag instead of nylon, which I traded work for a nylon one simply because the leather felt more like a briefcase than a messenger bag. The only thing I cannot confirm is the 3 year warranty.


So as of now, I am content with myself (not Lenovo). I spent the night tooling around with it, getting 5 hours out of 80% of the battery with wifi on. Now I just need to burn some recovery discs, install XP & possibly Linux, and reformat my desktop with XP & possibly dual boot it with my new Vista Ultimate key.


That being said, I doubt Lenovo knows I have both the T61 as well as the X61. My credit card has only been charged for one at this point, and it better stay that way. As for Lenovo, they didn't give me an X300, so I'm still going to file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.


Also still waiting on that letter.


Epilogue: When I Joined The Corps, We Didn't Have Any Fancy-Schmanzy Tanks. We Had Sticks! Two Sticks, And A Rock For The Whole Platoon- And We Had To Share The Rock! Buck Up, Boy, You Are One Very Lucky Marine!


After all is said and done, I am happy with my new notebook. By that I mean, I am please with the product, not the service. I choose a ThinkPad because the build quality and design are far better than you average laptop, while still being reasonably affordable. Now that the T series starts just under $1000, it's slightly over par with your average entry level notebook. Granted they are now cheaper, the ThinkPad series has suffered some quality cut-backs since Lenovo took over production from IBM.


Are there better notebook out there? Hell yeah, but only if you pay out your ass for them. In my opinion, bang for buck, you can't beat a ThinkPad for quality (even considering their cut-backs) and features.


All product praising aside, customer service has yet to have it's testicles drop. Their order system was done by a four year old and I have yet to hear of a single person who got the laptop on or before the delivery date. They just switched to a new system which does not work; That's like trying to cross a bridge before it's finished being built. It just doesn't work.


Customer service representatives although friendly, do not know shit. When you call the number to track your order, more than 50% of the time they told me they were uncertain. They listened to me but never what I had to say, never called me back when they said they would, and it took weeks to have a discussion! You may think that I am biased but I have dealt with at least 6 different people, all of whom were incapable of doing their job.


I would not be surprised if Lenovo never figured out that they shipped me 2 laptops for the price of one. For once, their stupidity will work in my favour. Specs below:

ThinkPad X61 7673-54U
Intel Core 2 Duo T7300 @ 2.0GHz
2 GB RAM PC-5300 DDR2
12.1" XGA TFT (1024 x 768)
Intel GMA X3100 GM965
120 GB HD 5400 RPM
Gigabit Ethernet
Intel PRO/Wireless 3945ABG
Bluetooth
Fingerprint Reader
X6 Ultrabase
8 Cell Li-Ion


And please, someone fucking comment this time, okay? I'll cry otherwise.

Words: 4416

I'm A Male Between The Age Of 16 And 24, And You Fucking Suck

Something that really "grinds my gears" is retarded people driving. I don't mean handicapped people, I'm talking about the people who get behind the wheel of a car, and suddenly loose all common sense and judgment.


I've been driving for almost six years now. I will agree that it's not a lot. I will also agree that statistics show that my gender and age group is the most likely to drive aggressively, speed, and cause accidents. Statistics show.


I am not a fucking statistic. I don't mean to sound like arrogant driving asshole who thinks he's a better driver than everyone else, because I'm not; I'm in the top fucking 20ish% though.


The other day I was on my way home from dropping off supper at my grandparents’ house. It was a shitty spring day as it had rained and was now currently snowing. I decided to drive through town instead of taking the truck route, thinking it would be safer: less wind, slower speeds, and less traffic.


God damn it, I got to stop trying to think logically.


When I was about 700 meters from home, some chick almost hit me. Yeah, the roads were shitty, but that's not an excuse.


The road curved no more than 30 degrees to my right. Coming form the other direction, a woman driving too fast. Her excessive speed caused her to be unable to make the left turn; she slide straight. She tried harder and cranked the wheel all the way left, yet still nothing.


"Brakes!" she exclaims (not really), and forceful tries to stop/slow down the car. Still going straight until... Not icy asphalt! The car suddenly gains traction and begins a rapid, sharp left turn. She successfully stopped her car from hitting a hydro pole.


The downside? Her left turn was too sharp, and ended up sliding halfway into my lane.


Well fuck.


Luckily, my intelligence is greater than that of a rock, and I'm driving slower in these poor driving conditions. With my reduced speed and quick reactions (because I'm paying attention), I am able to slow down without sliding while speedy here corrects her direction. Had I not have been such a "high risk" driver, we probably would have collided.


Now I'm not saying all women drivers are bad, nor I am saying all males are good. What I am saying, however, is that a lot of drivers in general are bad. I am not perfect either, and have had (my bad) a few close (yet not as close as previously stated) calls.


I have received 0 speeding tickets, let alone have been pulled over. I think the worst I have is one parking ticket. What else would you expect from such a statistically bad driver?


Now, as much as stupid drivers piss me off, the main source of fuel for the fire is the insurance companies. I pay more than twice as much the average female driver my age. Yet I still see people young and old, male and female, not knowing how to operate a vehicle.


Sadly, this is a human rights violation, because you cannot discriminate based on age or sex. That's funny, that is exactly what happens with auto insurance. The same sort of thing bars do; 21+ or ladies nights. Yep, night when girls get in for free & guys pay cover, illegal. You can actually sue them if they don't let you in for free in said case.


So why can insurance companies get away with it? Honestly, I don't know, but I'd like to know. My best guess? Statistics. Fuck statistics. I have rights as a human and they're destroying them. Just another god-damned injustice in the world...

Quiznos: A Cut Above... Your Fat Ass

The first time I had ever eaten here, it was a shitty experience. The menu was okay, I suppose, but lacked a certain level of personalization. It was off to a bad start because almost every sub had something on it that I didn't agree with. This would have been okay, but they don't let you choose your toppings like Subway or Mr. Sub.


So I ordered a favorite sandwich of mine; Montreal Smoked Meat. I was excited, until I bit into its toasty "goodness." The sauce of the thing was repulsive to me. I gave it the benefit of the doubt and went in for a second bite, but scrapped the sub after that.


From that point on, I decided that Subway was my submarine shop, as everything that went onto my sandwich was my choice; not to mention it's about $2 cheaper too. So a couple years have passed with me not attending lunch at Quiznos.


Then, about a month or two ago, my sister offered to take me out for lunch there because she had a coupon from my parents and could get a free sub. I almost didn't go, but when I considered how my tastes have changed in the past few years, decided to give them another shot, and I had a free lunch.


I had no idea what I was going to order, but when I saw the menu, I just knew. They had a Beef & Swiss Melt on for a limited time. After reading the toppings of such a sandwich, I couldn't say no.


I bit into it and almost wet my pants in excitement as my mouth orgasmed. This had to the single greatest sandwich that has ever made contact with my mouth. I come back for another one at a later date. Next time Lmack joins me and we sing its praise. We go back several more times for this sub, and most recently, I had one today for lunch. I don't know what triggered it, but as I sat at work eating, I decided to look up the nutritional information on it. I don't have a lot of luck, but I do come across this.


If you didn't click on the link & read that blog post, stop now, and go read it. It's short and will completely change the way you view Quiznos.


Done reading? Okay, good. Now, what the fuck it that?! Taste like that apparently comes at ridicules costs. I mean, I personally am not on any type of diet, but they have subs that are an entire days worth of food. And even though that’s about right for what you pay, one sub does not hold me for a day.


What really shocks me is how they hide the facts. And I couldn't even find the nutritional information for my feature sub! It’s hard to imagine that a Big Mac is "better for you" than a sub. I guess I'm slowly and deliciously turning myself into a fat bastard.